Your Scream Is Important To Us

Greetings and menu options script

Hello! Thank you for screaming into the Void.

If you know the contact information of the entity you wish to scream at, you may scream it at any time. We are experiencing a higher than normal volume of screams into the void, and will answer your scream in the disorder it's received. Please listen to our entire menu, as our options have randomly changed.

For customer service, scream ONE. To schedule an appointment for additional screaming, scream TWO. For billing and account information, scream THREE. For our location and times of operation, scream FOUR. To speak with a technical support agent, scream FIVE. To scream inwardly, please do so now over the next few seconds, and then select another option.

To repeat these menu options, scream NINE.

Appointment scheduling script 

Thank you for screaming into the Void. Let’s schedule your appointment!

For new appointments, scream ONE. To reschedule or cancel an existing appointment, scream TWO. To confirm your existing appointment, scream THREE. To speak to a front desk agent, scream FOUR.

To repeat this menu, scream NINE. For other inquiries, scream ZERO to go back to the main menu.

Account and billing information script

Hello and welcome to the Void’s billing department. We do charge for some of our services. If you believe you have been billed in error or have another issue, please hold your screams until you hear the options, as our menu has recently changed.

Please note that screams may be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes.

If you know the extension of the person you wish to scream at, you may scream it at any time.

For account and billing information, scream ONE. If you would like to make a payment, scream TWO. To speak with a customer service representative, scream THREE.

To repeat these menu options, scream NINE. To go back to the main menu, scream ZERO.

Location/ Times of operation

You've screamed for information about our location and times of operation. We operate at random times across the universe.

Technical support script

Thank you for choosing the Void. Your satisfaction is our priority.

If you're screaming about a technical issue with a specific aspect of your reality, scream ONE.

For troubleshooting problems with your current dimension, scream TWO.

If you need assistance with a recent change to your reality or would like to make additional changes, scream THREE.

To scream directly at one of our technical support specialists, scream ZERO at any time.

Please have a description of your anguish and/or trauma ready to help us assist you more quickly.

Remember, many common issues can be resolved at our help center, which you can reach by staring into the Abyss. You'll find answers to frequently asked questions and troubleshooting guides if you stare long enough. Be aware that the Abyss may stare back.

Thank you for choosing the Void.

Scream transfer script

Thank you for your patience.

To ensure we provide you with the best possible assistance, we're going to connect you with the expert most suited to address the specific needs you have screamed about.

Please hold for a moment while we transfer your scream. This may take a few seconds.

Your scream is very important to us, and we appreciate your understanding.

Thank you for choosing the Void.

Scream back script

Thank you for screaming into the Void.

We understand your time is valuable, and we don't want to keep you waiting. We are experiencing a higher than normal volume of screams into the void. Our team is currently assisting other screaming customers, but your scream is important to us.

If you would like to receive a scream from one of our representatives, scream ONE.

You won't lose your place in line, and we'll scream back at you as soon as it's your turn.

To continue holding, simply wait in anguished silence, or scream TWO if you wish to leave a voicemail.

We appreciate your patience and look forward to speaking with you. Thanks for choosing the Void.

After hours support script

Hello, and thank you for screaming into the Void. You've reached us outside of our normal business time. The Void is currently closed.

Our standard hours of operation vary at random.

If you need immediate technical support, please visit our help center by staring into the Abyss, where you'll find answers to frequently asked questions and troubleshooting guides if you stare long enough. Be aware that the Abyss may stare back.

For all other inquiries or to leave a voicemail, please scream ONE. Be sure to leave your name, scream-back location, and a brief message, and one of our dedicated team members will return your scream during our next business time frame.

We value your business and look forward to assisting you as soon as we're back in the office. Thank you for choosing the Void. Have a great day/week/month/millennium or epoch as appropriate!